Aim: To look like this without sucking in, tucking highs or camera trickery. Then tone up and lose a bit more.


Then: look good in this:

So I haven't been here in ages, I know it's bad and I'm sorry. I've tried so hard to kick the bad habbits and ignore it. To not lapse back into those thoughts and I knew that I should leave the group and leave live journal and just cut all ties. But I kept putting it off and now I think it's because really, I knew I wasn't over it. I'm still worrying about my portions, I'm still taking the diet pills and going to the gym even more than before and I still take every chance I can to look in the mirror and critcise myself. But despite it, I'm trying to change it all and do this for more possitive reasons. I took up wrestling, because then I have to go to the gym, I have to watch my diet and I have to be slim. Hoping that, I could keep the thoughts, but change them, make sure I eat three meals and what have you. But maybe in a way, it's a chance to argue if anyone doubted me 'oh I'm off to the gym to train' 'I can't eat that - wrestling diet'.
  Maybe I'll never be over it, who knows.

I still feel so imperfect and it all feels so hard. Lately, to be vague, I've been so confused, stressed, lonely and unsatisfied. I don't know what I want and I'm questioning to motives for avoiding things. I'm deffinetly fighting a battle. I keep getting ill, now I'm seriously injured (hernia and deep cut to my hand). Hand being the worst, I can't do anything, can't wrestle, can't swim (in my new bikini) can't go to the gym, can't even wash properly!

GAH, there;s so much going on. But if I want to get somewhere with my wrestling I need to get my focus back and stop eating so much! I just looked at some pictures from this time last year and I've lost so much weight, I can't put it back on! I will buy some size 8 shorts and I will get into them, then I'll tone into a sexy wrestler and travel the world.

I'll give more detail when I have more time and my thinking's more straight. Just wanted to apologise for being away and let you know that I am back.

Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
And a paper plate of course
You think of everything
Short love with a long divorce
And a couple of kids, of course
They don't mean anything

Live in trailers with no class
Goddam i hope I can pass
High school means nothingg
Taking heartache with hardwork
Goddam I am such a jerk
I can't be anything

And I shout that you're all fake
And you should have seen the look on your face
And I guess that's what it takes
When comparing your bellyaches

And it's been a long time
Which agrees with this watch of mine
And I guess that i missed you
And I'm sorry if I dissed you

Just an update on the lard. I can't believe I thought I was looking better. These pictures are a real wake up call!

I know I'm all lardy. There's horrible fatty bits poking out every where. It's alright, I'm just more determined to get it off now!

So update?

Weight wise things are ok, I've avoided snacking and giving into cravings and these diet pills need to work, still haven't found my gym clothes though. I've been told I look like I've lost weight too which is good. And clothes that were tight aren't anymore. Plus college starts soon, which makes it very easy to miss meals. So I'm feeling ok about all that.

Generally in life though, things aren't so good. I was going to kill myself last week, but was talked out of it. To be honest, I don't think I'd have done it anyway, I can't be that selfish. The whole time I was thinking 'how can I ruin other peopls lives because I'm not happy with mine?' but still, I got closer to doing it than ever before. I had a note, wrote out details on how to handle bank accounts and stuff, I was really ready. So I'm going to give a gift to my friend, I suppose I owe him my life. But not giving into death doesn't mean that life's any more enjoyable, but I guess it's just something I'll get round to being ok with over time. I'm just not there yet.

There's vbeen some worrying things going on too. Some guy got really agressive with me and tried toget me to move to India with him. I think he was actually involved with the white slave trade, which was scary. But I can handle myself so it;s alright. And more things like standing on a train while twats go 'oh she looks like a good fuck' it's not a compliment, infact, it does nothing for myself esteem. I'm not beautiful, no one ever says that. Just good looking enough for one night. And that's not good enough for me.

Mum's been getting suspcious about my eating. I told her I'm not anorexic but lose my apatite when I'm depressed. So she doesn't know how depressed I get or how bad my eating is. But it's getting easier to not eat and easier to lie, which I know isn't a good sign, but it sure makes things easier for me.

I'm reading a book at the moment "To Die For" it's biographical and about anorexia. Half diaries from someone who has it and half diaries of someone who cares for them and watches the effects of anorexia. It's pretty good.

Yeah that's about all for now. Cheer up smuggly

x x

I don't know what to do.

Part of me wants to just get over everything that's wrong. But then another part of me just wants to accept them and give in. And while I'm feeling both these things, I can't decide which one to go for. I want to lose weight, but I don't want to anorexia. I want to just eat what I'm given, but I know I can't do it without counting every calorie. I try thinking 'I'll just eat normally and not snack' but it doesn't work out that way because then it's 'well I'll normally not snack so I'm not doing anything different, I should eat less in general' It's unavoidable. It's always going to be a thought I have and I hate that.

But it's not just food, it's everything. I want to leave home, but I don't. I want new clothes, but I don't, I want to drive, but I don't. I want a job, but I don't, I want a boyfriend, but I don't. I want to go back to college, but I don't.

Just everything is a constant battle of 'I want it, but do I really?' 'I should...but should I really?'

Nothing;s ever simple, and not even in the way live in general is complicated, it's all so much more so. And I have the diet pills and I'd feel bad having them and not using them so that's pretty much me set for 5 months. And I know it's no good saying 'after that I'll stop' because I can't. It's 5 months to get more entangled in things.

I'm so frustrated and annoyed with myself. GAH!

oh gosh. Eaten far too much. eating 'normally' is so hard yet so easy. It's too easy to get carried away. This is not a binge, this is spending a week or two attempting to make my mum think I'm eating nornally. Even though I'm not. Even though I eat 9cal jelly for breakfast and use ryvita instead of bread. Even thought I can't touch anything without trying to work out how many cals are in it.

But on the upside, got in 25" waist jeans today. They didn't exactly do up, but I got my fat bum in them. I'm just desperately hoping I won't gain too much. It's annoying though. today I've had 3 cookies, a cake, baternburg, hot chocolate, milky coffee, a bag of crisps...oh dear.Too, too fat!

I'm rank, I know, but I'm buying scales.

Keep possitive

x x

I mentioned I was hungry and my mum went "right I'm going home while she's hungry because I'm worried she's not eating enough" that teamed with my brother means I'm going to eat 'normally' for a couple of weeks. Then mum should stop complaining, my brother should get out the habbit, they won't complain at work and I'll be left alone come college time.

I just need to remember this is not an excuse to binge! Surely I won't gain more than 4lb in 2 weeks?

I'll still be on here supporting everyone

Good luck guys
x x

So there was me yesterday saying 'yeah no ones even noticed I'm eating less' and today my mum says "I think I'm going to have to start watching what you eat".WHAT?! I eat plenty. All it was, was that I had a friend round who was still asleep so I said I'd wait until he woke up so that he wasn't eating alone, because i know if that was the case then he wouldn't eat and I didn't want that. But I was already halfway through toast and pate!

  This is the closest I've ever come to crying about food. It's stupid. It's not even the food it's that my mum won't let me have control of my own food. Seriously, my friends fuck off and I can't do anything, we lose the house and I can't do anything, I can't get a job for the life of me and now I can't chose what to eat? I'm not even under 9 stone yet, it's hardly as if I'm anywhere near a worrying weight.

Why is she doing this? I don't need loads of food, 2 yogurts fill me up, that's why I eat that. And I haven't slept in nearly 30 hours.

ahh todays such a load of shite!

Anyone else think Lou Doillon looks amazing?